These kinds of stories are why I get out of bed each morning.

Unless you’ve been living in a cave the past three days, you’ve undoubtedly heard about Tiger Woods’ little “accident” during the wee hours of the post-Thanksgiving morn. When the story first broke, all we knew was that Tiger was pulling out of his driveway in Florida when he ran into a fire hydrant – and then a tree. Driver’s Ed is looking pretty good right about now, eh Tiger?

My first hunch? Damn, how drunk was he? My second hunch? Tiger must have thrown a mighty fit after losing the battle for the wishbone, hitting the road in a fit of anger. Hey, it’s not that far-fetched. He’s a pretty competitive guy. Now that the dust has settled and Tiger has finally spoken about the incident (after multiple delayed meetings with Police), one speculation is running particularly wild.

I should mention that Tiger has claimed full responsibility for the “embarrassing” situation, which is just too damn easy. He’s also asked for privacy. Nah, I’d rather pry.

It seems most folks have settled on one rather salacious theory. For the sake of journalistic integrity, I’ll preface what I am about to say with the caveat that it is pure speculation. But for the sake of my sassy reputation, I’ll follow that up by saying that I hope this is true, because nothing grinds my gears like a good celeb scandal. Especially a celebrity with such an unscathed record up to this point. Well, except for the fact that he fires his caddies when they get too popular.

It seems Miz Woods has been none too happy hearing about Tiger’s alleged affair with Rachel Uchitel. This is the same Rachel Uchitel that is linked to Bones star David Boreanaz and his extra-marital exploits. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not interested in Angel’s sloppy seconds unless her name rhymes with Farrah Trishelle Skellar.

Anywho, the moral fiber of America, aka The National Enquirer & TMZ, are both suggesting that Tiger’s wife went all Liza Minnelli on his ass, scratching him up real good and then chasing after him (golf club in hand).  The image of a woman scorned chasing after a professional golfer with his own clubs is both ironic and incredible.

If you believe The Woods Family, you can read Tiger’s full statement here, courtesy of Reuters. If you’re like me, though, and prefer the version that plays out more like an episode of General Hospital than Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, stay tuned…I’m sure all will be revealed eventually. I can’t wait.

In the meantime, here’s a shot of the picture perfect Woods clan. They seemed so happy. (Yeah, right.)

File this one under things that make me go “Booooo.”

I’m sure some of you have heard the unsettling news that Glee will be going on a brief super-long hiatus. If not, get ready for a shock.

After the long awaited Sectionals episode airs on December 9th (I’ll believe it when I see it), Gleeks around the world will have to wait until April 13th, 2010 for the second half of the show’s virgin season to begin. Um…

That’s 4 months. Or 124 days. Or 2,976 hours. Or 178,560 minutes. Or most disgusting of all, 10,713,600 seconds until the sweet sounds return. What. The. Eff.

The network is using American Idol as the excuse. We all know Fox is notorious for all but clearing it’s programming schedule for Idol (and normally I’m glad), but this is just crazy. Plus, Idol & Glee make perfect bedmates, which was proven last season when Glee made it’s big premiere after Idol’s final performance show. If you don’t believe me, read the sad news here. And here. And here. It’s real, people. It’s so very real.

To add insult to slushie-in-your-face injury, when it returns in April Glee will be up against the final season of Lost. My heart just died a little inside. God bless you, DVR. My life would suck without you.

I’m a little late on this week’s Glee-cap, I know. Blame it on the tryptophan. I was reuniting with old friends last night, so I watched a day late. And let’s cut to the chase: this was one of the best episodes yet. Buckle up, it’s a long one…

Sue Sylvester is back. Things are already looking good. Splits magazine! I love it. Sadly, this is not a real publication. Yes, I did Google it.

Metal detectors can only mean one thing – the inner city. Scary! Oh look, it’s rapper turned actress, Eve. I guess this explains why it’s been awhile since we’ve heard any new music from Eve. Not that I wait around for new music from Eve. Anyway, this Bootylicious number is on point. Except for the fact that all these hoes stole my token move. No one dips it low and then brings it up real slow like the Lamp. Sometimes I even rip my jeans. All in the name of the booty shake!

I like that they’ve coined the phrase “hair-ography.” I think hair-ography is more recognizable as “the move white girls do at the clizub.” I’m also finding Mr. Shue a little more annoying than usual. Maybe it’s because he seems convinced that a bag of Beyonce’s old weaves will ghetto-fy the Glee kids. And there’s no way all those wigs fit into that tiny ass bag.

Terri’s sister is officially an LOL machine. One of the best lines of the night came when she told a finally visibly pregnant Quinn to “avoid Rum-based drinks” during pregnancy. Quinn & Kurt are conspiring against Rachel. As Rachel’s only fan, I don’t like it. And why is Quinn suddenly into Puck? Get it together, biatch.

Meanwhile, Rachel has been shopping at Talbots for those snazzy pant suits. Hillary would be proud. Kurt is giving Rachel a make-over THE TOP, but not before hilariously observing that Rachel’s bedroom is where “Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobby come to hook up.” Yes!

So, while Rachel throws herself at Finn only to be rejected and called a “sad clown hooker (OUCH!),”  Quinn & Puck are babysitting Terri’s Sister’s kids. Get all that? Good. Is it just me or does it seem like Quinn is going to mount Puck in front of these kids at any moment. Very creepy. Oh and apparently Puck is texting with fellow Gleek, Mike Chang. I love it when we learn the names of the other kids. Although it was never officially confirmed, I have a little hunch that this Mike Chang character is the artist formerly known as “other Asian.” Call me crazy, but I think I’m right.

Oh what’s this? A cat fight in the hallway between Santana & Quinn. It appears Santana was the recipient of Puck’s babysitting texts, not Mike Chang. This fight means Santana has actual lines today. “Sexting!” “Totally 90s!” Ugh, I love this biznitch. Also, please note that Santana and Satan have eerily similar spellings.

I think I’ve finally put my finger on who Santana is, exactly. She’s the kind of girl I would’ve passed in the hallway, smiled at and then immediately turned around to see if she was talking about me. And then later I’d tell her she looked pretty, even though I secretly thought she looked like shit and should stop shopping at JCPenny. Hmm, is Santana the bitch….or am I? Oh well.

We’ve heard from The Jane Adams School (of bad girls), which means the deaf students are next. Well not to “hear from” but you get it. These hearing-impaired nuggets are funny. Yes, the Glee kids ARE “totally crazy!”

Speaking of crazy, that Crazy In Love/Hair mashup was a holy hot mess. Sounded good, though.

Imagine. Oh my God. It’s a deaf/non-deaf collaboration. Since it’s Thanksgiving, I’m already overdosing on too much togetherness. This is just going to send me over the emotional edge. Ah, here they come – the tears! (Of course, I also teared up during the finale of Making the Band, so maybe I’m not the best litmus test for what is moving and what is not.) Everyone has a partner. And strings! God, I’m such a whore for strings. Did I just use God and whore in the same sentence? You betcha! Even Santana’s heart is warming. Thank goodness it’s time for a word from our sponsors. My heavy heart needs a break.

For all those non-psychos out there that didn’t pause the screen to read the sexting between Santana & Puck, luckily for you I am crazy and I do pause television to take note of such things. Here are the sexts in question:

• I’ve got something of yours
• Let’s hook it up tonight
• Tell me about your panties
• Not wearing any
• You are smokin’
• Do you think I’m too hot?
• You so hot and stuff

Um, that wasn’t as saucy as I had hoped.

Ew, Will bought a mini van for Terri and the not real baby they are not really having. Wood paneling should never be attached to wheels. Ever.

Three cheers for Tina and her super sweet voice on the finale song. Also, the A/V department at McKinley High must have a pretty hefty budget. These screen savers at the back of the stage are no joke. Look at all the gleeks, in all their colored shirts…singing True Colors. These glances being exchanged are very telling. Kurt’s look at Finn = So Heartbreaking. Ugh.

This episode shoud’ve been called DISTRACTION because they used that word a whole lot more than hair-ography. Wow, this was a long recap. Time for some leftovers and bed. Check out the audio from “Imagine” and “True Colors” below. Tears optional.

Donny Osmond won Dancing With The Stars last night. Do any of you care? If so, here’s the video of yesterday’s winner announcement.

I actually like Donny’s partner, Kym Johnson. She’s been the bridesmaid of DWTS for several seasons now, so it’s nice to see her come through with a win. And good for Donny. He and Marie are becoming the cockroaches of the entertainment industry. I’m sure it’ll be a very happy Thanksgiving for Donny and his 32908223 brothers and sisters this year.

I know, I know. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. But Thanksgiving is about more than just giving thanks. It’s really the start of the holiday season. The next four weeks will be filled with all sorts of holiday cheer. You know, awesome things like eating too much chex mix and claiming it’s your “winter weight.” Or spending too much money on fringe friends and living with the bloated credit card bills in January. And then there are all the lame joyful Christmas holiday commercials we have to look forward to.

Like my personal favorite, the overly recycled Macy’s commercial in which celebrities interact awkwardly with one another beneath a curiously animated backdrop of a faux retail store. The jig is up, Macy’s. We all know those damn spots are filmed separately and spliced together to look like they’re all in the store at the same time. At least Santa is real.

Jaded opinions aside, you’ll be glad to know that your friends at Glee have somehow perfectly timed the leaking of their version of “Last Christmas” onto the interweb. Funny how that works out. Does this mean there will be a Glee Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa holiday episode? I sure hope so. Of course, it could just be another way to suck $1.29 out of each of us via the iTunes store. Either way, take a listen below. Gobble Gobble…