From nursin’ babies and mixin’ paint to the Nokia Theater. It’s all very moving. And tonight, while we say hello to our newest Idol, we bid adieu to everyone’s favorite British import. I’m actually pretty bummed Simon is leaving. His replacement will need to be very special – and very famous.

I’m loving the schoolchildren get-up Lee and Crystal are rocking this evening. Where can I get that Idol patch!

The rest of this season’s top 12 join the final two for “School’s Out For Summer,” featuring the legendary (yet kind of pitchy, dawg) Alice Cooper. However, I hear he’s the fella that told Kelly Clarkson to go the popROCK route, so I can’t speak too ill of him. We many never have gotten “Since U Been Gone” without him.

Kris Allen is back to perform “The Truth” before he hands over the Idol crown. As usual, Kris sounds great. What a nice-voiced nugget he is. I’m getting a little irritated that he is getting lost in the post-Idol shuffle. Just because he isn’t in everyone’s face about how great he is (yes, I went there), doesn’t mean he’s not great. And his debut album is actually very, very good. If you haven’t listened, it’s your loss.

Next is a Simon Cowell video package, chock full of his best disses. Cute. And Ryan tries to be funny with Randy and the end. Oh, Ryan.

Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly duet on “How Deep is Your Love?” and it actually isn’t awful. That is an odd pairing for such a lovey dovey tune, but it was less weird than you’d think. And then The Bee Gees joined them! Surely this is the first of many surprise appearances. As in year’s past, the guests will probably all be from another generation. Once the initial Bee Gee excitement wore off, some of the not-so-great moments revealed themselves. There were some really nice harmonies, but the four of them singing and looking at each other was awkward to watch. Jordin Sparks had to start an aisle dance party to deal with the weirdness.

Michael Lynche is joined by Michael McDonald for “Takin’ it to the Streets, “ which is also visually awkward (a theme, perhaps?). This one was brilliantly sung, though. We know Big Mike can sing.

Dane Cook comes out to put some of Simon’s best insults to song. And then it happens. Idol’s biggest wack-a-doos were apparently invited to jump around the stage while Dane performs. Instead, one of the craziest crazies grabbed the mic and petitioned for himself to replace Simon. Cue the premature cut to commercial. I love live television.

The ladies from the top 12 sing “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. Most of the girls sound fine on their solos, but things get a little sloppy when they sing together. Luckily, things really turned around when they moved into “Fighter.” Notably, Katie and Paige each sang the hell out of their sections. Too bad Paige (and to a lesser extent, Katie) couldn’t figure it out, like at all, during the competition.

Then, the teacher comes out to lead by example. Christine Aguilera can do some amazing things with her voice. Even if you don’t like all the oohs and the ahhs and the pointing at you – and, and you, and you – you have to appreciate the fact that she has a naturally ridiculously good singing voice. I quite like this ballad, too.

After a hilarious video message from Ricky Gervais to Simon, it’s the guys’ turn to perform a group number. Lee sounds great in the beginning, and then…the other people sing. Andrew Garcia, what is going on with you? Did something happen with the pretty girl with the cool hair (?), because that was pretty horrific. This choreography is fairly heinous, as per usual, but you can’t fault the guys for that. I’m sure they hate it more than we do.

Hall and Oates join the fellas for “You Make My Dreams Come True,” which I enjoyed. I can never remember who is Hall and who is Oates, but I like them both equally. I like their SNL alter egos a little more, but I digress.

Janell Wheeler is in Toledo, OH with Crystal’s hometown fans. I always think it’s kind of sad when a former contestant is relegated to such hosting duties, but what can ya do? Ryan talks to Crystal’s Dad, is kind of rude to him, and then we have Crystal singing “Ironic.” This better mean what I think it means, because I need some Alanis in my life right about now.

Yes!!! She’s there! The stupendous, tremendous, amazing Alanis Morissette joins Crystal onstage for “You Oughtta Know.” Besides the bizaree Glee-like circles they are walking around each other, thi duet is great. The harmonies are nice and Crystal sounds really good on that famous hook. That being said, I’m still laughing about the censorship in one of the song’s saucier lines: “Go down with you to the theater, eh?” Um, sure.

Carrie Underwood performs “Undo It,” and it’s really good. Carrie is certainly a robot, and I wonder if there’s a soul in there sometimes, but she can certainly sing her face off – and I love this song. Plus, it gives us the chance to pimp Kara a bit more, since she wrote on the song. Everybody wins! (Especially Simon Fuller.)

Kris Allen gives Lee and Crystal their cars. And by their cars, I mean the ones they designed way back when. Those designs just aren’t practical for the road. The Ford love continues with one final music video for the season.

Casey James performs “Every Rose Has its Thorn” with Brett Michaels, and I’m surprise to actually be liking this. Even a cynical guy like me can appreciate what it must mean to Brett Michaels to be performing on this stage after all he’s been through.

Lee Dewyze performs a medley with Chicago. The band, not the whole city. Lee (possibly sans nerves) sounds much better tonight than he did last night. And darn it if those guys from Chicago don’t seem like the nicest gentleman around. I always forget how many of them there are.

Matt Rogers is in Mt. Prospect, IL with Lee’s homies. This is Matt’s permanent gig, right?

Another giggly montage about Simon. Oh, the memories.

General Larry Platt is here with some dancers to sing “Pants on the Ground.” And there’s a special guest: William Hung. This is becoming a true trip down Idol’s memory lane for Simon’s last night.

Paula Abdul is here, and while she looks beautiful, that dress is nowhere near age appropriate. She also might be high as a kite. I definitely had to look away a few times. Wow.

A third (and final?) Simon montage. This one’s a little more serious, and set to the voice of Simon’s very favorite, Frank Sinatra.

The Cowell Collection is followed by a performance featuring all the previous Idol winners (minus David Cook – what gives?). Since there’s no cheesy coronation song this year, why not invite everyone back to sing together….as one? (The song is called “Together We Are One,” for the record.) They are joined by lots of other contestants from all of Idol’s previous seasons. How dear. Memories of old and new, good and really terrible. And props to my girl, the OG Idol, who killed ‘em with those high notes, as expected.

The top 12 perform with Janet Jackson for about two minutes, and then Janet performs for about eight or nine more minutes. But it’s eight or nine minutes of goodness. She looks terrific, and I love a saucy performance on Idol, because so often the performances appeared to be screened by the Christian Coalition prior to airing. The real question is whether or not Janet lip-synched some of that performance. And was she lip synching to Michael’s voice in parts? She sounded eerily like him.

We’re inching closer to ten o’clock. Clearly, we’re going over. But how far over, friends?

Before we part, we have to take a look at the journeys of Lee and Crystal. Thankfully, they both auditioned in Chicago so they can tell the stories together. Is it just me, or are they trying to make this a love story? Seriously, this montage feels more like a movie trailer. From Lee to Crystal, perhaps?

It’s down to the mother and the paint salesman. Really, it’s down to two people who were making music before Idol but wanted more exposure. Still, we’ll go with the mama and the paint guy storyline one more time.

Ryan gives us his classic pause before declaring Lee the season nine champ. My predictions were pretty off all year (I blame the little girls and the parents that gave them cell phones, not myself), so I’m glad to get this final prediction right.

The credits roll as Lee sings, cries and says “this is amazing” repeatedly. Aww.

Final thoughts? Just that this season made the baby dolphins cry. At least we ended with a final two – and, for the most part, a finale – that was entertaining.

I’ll end with a tip for Idol’s producers and judges. Next year, don’t try and load the cast with “singer songwriters,” most of whom are better musicians than vocalists.

Here’s to a season ten that’s all about the singing!

A New Idol is Crowned

Let’s look on the bright side. This disappointing season is about to end. And after weeks of the wrong person(s) getting the boot – going all the way back to the semi-finals – at least we’re down to the two who truly have been among the best the entire time.

As in years past, tonight’s hour-long performance show will be rapid-fire, back-and-forth. First, Lee and Crystal will recreate one of their favorite performances of the season. Next, they’ll each sing a song chosen for them by Idol chief Simon Fuller, and they’ll each end with the song that will become their debut single, should they go on to win. And I’ve got some great news about their would-be singles, friends: they are covers this year.

That’s right. There shall be no talk of weathering hurricanes, getting inside people’s heavens or asking if you make someone proud. For this reason alone, season nine is already on the path to redemption.

Lee Dewyze, “The Boxer”: It must be the finale performances, because we’re getting interview clips with Idol parents (thanks, Coke!) Lee’s parents are sweet, and I like his mama’s rounded face. She looks a lot like Mrs. Butterworth, and yes, that is a compliment. Lee is definitely nervous tonight. I’m sure he’s not thrilled to be going first, either, since there’s a long history of contestant number two going on to win. The funny thing is that vocally Lee sounds better tonight than when he first sang this song. There’s something lacking, though. It’s like his nerves are keeping him from taking the performance from good to great. He looks a little choked up at the end. That’s good to see, at least. The judges don’t really critique his vocal, but they all agree he needs to push a little harder on a night like this. I agree.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby Mcgee”: Once again, Crystal, I love your father. What a gent. Crystal is doing a better job of recreating the magic of her first performance of this song than Lee did. She sounds terrific, even if the first half is a little boring. That’s always been the beauty of Idol, though. So often, contestants are rewarded for the way they end a song and completely forgiven if a song starts off a little less than. Case in point: Randy mentions the boring beginning of this tune but starts clapping and hooting about the ending. There you have it. I’d say both gave a solid performance in Round 1, but I’ll give the edge to Crystal so far.

Lee Dewyze, “Everybody Hurts”: My belief that Lee is hella nervous just went from questionable to certain. Dude is definitely feeling the butterflies. I loved this song choice for Lee when it was announced, but I wanted him to be better singing it – he definitely can be. The look on his face seems to suggest that he knows he sort of missed a big opportunity with this song. Every time I thought the performance was going to really soar, he seemed to lose his way just a bit. It was far from a bad performance, but it could’ve been much, much better. All the judges are giving Lee mostly high praise, but they are all quick to admit that he went off a bit in parts. He really needs a ‘moment’ with his last performance, right Simon?

Crystal Bowersox, “Black Velvet”: Another solid effort from MamaSox. The Junior Prom dress she’s wearing is a big “NO!” for me, though. What material is that made of, anyway? It looks like plastic from here. Aside from her appearance and the way she stomps around the stage (hey, at least she’s moving!), this is another great vocal for Crystal. Simon makes a great comment about how this song has been all but ruined by the hideous renditions we’ve heard in Idol auditions during the years. He’s quick to give Crystal credit, though, for taking something so often butchered and actually creating a bit of a vocal moment for herself. What’s really curious about Crystal is her demeanor change. Suddenly, the stand-offish woman we’ve known for months has been replaced by a giggly, cuddly little girl. Interesting. I get it, though. At least this proves she really does want to win, a question I think we’ve all wondered a few times this season.

Lee Dewyze, “Beautiful Day”: Last chance, Lee. Well, he’s looking very ‘wrong side of the tracks’ right now, with that leather jacket. Like Crystal, Lee is better suited with a mic stand. He’s pacing back and forth like a middle school boy contemplating how to ask the girl across the gymnasium to dance. Perhaps Crystal is that girl? Just kidding. The good news is that this is better than his second performance. The beginning was a little shaky, but in classic Idol form, some money notes toward the end helped to all but erase the boring beginning. He’s getting love from the judges, despite the would-be kiss of death from Kara when she tells him, “You deserve to be here tonight.” Hmmm. Do you mean tonight as in the final two? As in he deserves second place? We know your game, Kara.

Crystal Bowersox, “Up to the Mountain”: This song. This glorious song. Crystal definitely wins the prize for the better possible single. And she’s creating a beautiful moment. It’s not as good as you know who, but it’s still really, really good. And I like that she’s ending the season guitar-in-hand, as she should. Oh are those some tears? Affirmative. She knew what she had to do tonight. And she did it. (Tears and all.) I respect that. Get it, girl. And Simon Cowell gives Crystal his final critique as an American Idol judge:  “Outstanding.” Aw, shucks. The hardened Brit shows us his soft side in the end. I’m not 100% sure of this, but I think Crystal just said “Meow is the time” in her post-performance interview (hence this recap’s title).  Yes, Crystal. You deserve to win, if for nothing else, than your amazing use of puns. I like it!

Will Young sings “Leave Right Now” in front of a montage of season nine memories. Did we really need to re-live this Idol death march? Oh well. All the contestants are on stage as we say goodbye. It looks like Katie is comforting Lee a bit. Is he worried? Fear not, Lee! It’s not like winning this thing is necessary anymore.

I have a feeling this will be a close call. Lee has the teen girl vote, it’s clear, and that helped Kris sail to victory last year. In fact, both Kris and David Cook seemed destined for second place finishes after their final performance shows. This is why I’m predicting that Lee will win. Do I think Crystal deserves it? Definitely. I think they both do. I just have a feeling Lee is going to come out on top. The young girls will not be ignored. If they can’t have Tim, they’ll settle for Lee.

What do YOU think? Who’s it gonna be?

Tonight, we will find out the names of the two folks (cough, Lee, cough, Crystal) that will make it to next week’s American Idol season finale! Any bets on how anti-climactic this finale will be? Only time will tell.

The other children from the top twelve are in the audience tonight. So supportive. Actually, they are probably here to get fitted for their all white (or red, or green – something that is all one color!) costumes, which they will wear while lip-synching a group number next week.

First up, this evening, is a chat with Casey, Crystal and Lee. Actually, it’s a rather long chat. We found out some interesting things during this (prolonged) chat, too, including the fact that American Idol has a great healthcare plan to go along with its already-proven weight-loss regimen. The weight-loss plan seems basically forced on the contestants, but you can’t argue with the results! Case in point: remember Crystal’s first audition? Look at her now.

Ford music video time. This week, the contestants spray paint themselves, and the newly formed cartoon versions begin to sing! It’s more frightening than scary.

It’s time to take a trip back home with Casey…to Cool, Texas.  There is lots of the usual crying, screaming and all-around being excited. These hometown visits are always such heartstring tuggers, though no one is likely to top Kris Allen’s “Don’t cry, Mama” from last year. My tear ducts are dampening simply from typing that.

These two-sided fans are great. Casey is cool, no Casey is hot. That’s some clever craftsmanship! The hospital visit is intense. I vaguely remember hearing about Casey’s sickness earlier in the season, but I don’t think I realized how serious it was. And the always-classy Ryan goes right for the hospital question in the post-package interview. Ugh, how rude. At least the contestants are getting a taste of what life may be like after Idol, since they won’t be escaping Ryan Seacrest any time soon. They can look forward to interviews on his radio show and on the red carpet, both equally lame. The best and worst part of Casey’s feature was most certainly when the crazy lady had Casey autograph her dog. Just weird. And so wrong for the dog!

Next up is Travis Garland, who I do not care about, and Perez Hilton, who I do not care about even harder. (Just go with it.) Perez is championing this kid is as “better than Justin Timberlake.” After viewing his performance, I can confidently declare that this is most certainly, uh , not the case. The entire performance reeked as far as I’m concerned, especially those pooey falsetto notes at the end. No thanks. You don’t have that much control, Perez.

Next is a trip home to Toledo, Ohio with MamaSox. It’s another few minutes of crowds, homemade signs and an overwhelmed Idol. It was nice to see Crystal get emotional, even though at other times she seemed less than moved by the whole situation. The best parts of Crystal’s package – by far – were the appearance(s) by her father. Let me just say that I love this man. He ranks right up there with Elliot’s mother (RIP) as one of the most endearing parental figures ever on Idol.

Finally, it’s to the Midwest and Mt. Prospect, Illinois with Lee. I’m not just saying this because I’m rooting for Lee, but it seems he has the largest hometown support of all. Of course, it could’ve all just been edited to look that way. We know how Idol works by now. Still, he got to experience some pretty rad stuff. Throwing the first pitch at Wrigley Field? Very cool The crowd at the race track for his mini-concert? Definitely one of the largest of any Idol homecoming. My favorite moment, though, was what Lee yelled to his fans while driving away from one of his hometown stops: “I’m gonna try to win the thing.” Yes, Lee. Yes you are. And I hope you do.

Before we find out who is headed back to, well, where we just saw them, it’s time for a performance by the one. The only. The…Justin Bieber! Ahhhhh!!!!!!

To be fair, Bieber is a talented little nugget. The hair is definitely annoying, but there is some talent. There is also some fire, some drumming and some singing, though I believe it is being done over a loud backing track. And the performance ends with Bieber staring straight into the camera, smiling like a goon, as we head to commercial. Aw, that Beiber. He does just what he’s told!

Decision time. First, Lee is safe. (Thank God!) Then, Crystal is safe. (Phew!) Ryan sort of messed up that second moment, though. He didn’t wait long enough for the crowd to quiet down after cheering for Lee, so the announcement about Crystal being safe was a huge afterthought. Fail.

Casey is headed back to Cool, Texas and it’s for the best. It’s been for the best for a few weeks, so at least it’s finally done. And to celebrate his departure, Casey is singing “Daughters.” And look, there he goes, picking up someone else’s daughter. I assume hope he knows this little girl. I hope he does.

The stage is set, friends. Kelly, Reuben, Fantasia, Carrie, Taylor, Jordin, David, Kris, _____. Whose name is about to join that list? Make your predictions!

Casey Peaces Out

No more mentors. No more themes. Just a paint salesman, a girl with dreadlocks and a boy who has worn out his welcome. Here we go.

Casey James, “OK, It’s Alright With Me”: Even though the judges felt the need to poo all over this song for being, dare I say it, unfamiliar, I actually quite like it. I like it when Eric Hutchinson sings it, though. I saw Eric perform this last fall when he opened for Kelly Clarkson. (Remember her, Idol powers that be???) The difference is that when Eric sings it, he’s jumping around and having a great time, which – in turn – makes his audience have a great time. Casey standing there doesn’t make me want to have a good time. It just makes me wish Siobhan was around. In short, it’s not alright with me, the fact that Casey is still here.

Crystal Bowersox, “Come to My Window”: File this one under “things that should’ve worked but didn’t.” The judges basically got this one right, because the arrangement was all wrong. Again, when I think of this song, I picture someone building toward a huge moment, then ripping the mic from the stand and just killing it. Crystal opted for a more subtle approach. Shocking. Sometimes I can get behind the subtle, vulnerable (to use Kara’s words) performances, but not this time. This song deserved more – and she could’ve given it more.

Lee Dewyze, “Simple Man”: Finally, a little life in this night. While I didn’t love this as much as the judges did (they were clearly looking for something, anything to love), I do agree that it was by far the best of the first performances. Like Crystal, Lee got a little overpowered by the song itself, but he stayed afloat better than she did. I also think this worked better than the others because the song is so Lee. I mean, did you guys know he was a paint salesman before this show? Did you know that? He’s a simple man, people.

Casey James, “Daughters”: This one is Randy and Kara’s song choice. For what the song is, he’s doing a fine job with it. It’s actually quite nice, though it isn’t making for one of those big Idol moments. It’s a far too understated song for that. Predictably, Simon blames Kara and Randy for not giving Casey the chance to have a vocal moment. With all due respect to soon-to-be Sir Cowell, Casey isn’t the kind of singer that takes advantage of vocal ‘climaxes’ even when he has the chance, so why does it matter? This is his lane, full of college-aged girls with Moms who wish they were college-aged, so he might as well take the car for a spin. Hopefully, that same car drives him right out of the competition. I don’t see how it won’t.

Crystal Bowersox, “Maybe I’m Amazed”: Thank goodness! I needed a lot more from Crystal after that first performance, and this one definitely delivered. Kudos to Ellen for making such a bold song choice for Crystal. It was a wise decision. And opting for a guitar-less interpretation was an excellent move, as well. Vocally, we’ve never really heard Crystal sing the way she sang this song, including some high notes I didn’t even know she could hit. The movement was a little wonky, and it got a little too rugby player for my taste at one point, but overall, I still really enjoyed the performance. There’s no way she can go home instead of Casey. There’s just no way.

Lee Dewyze, “Hallelujah”: O. M. G. That was fan-freaking-tastic! I realize Tim Urban is sitting at home, wondering why Lee got to sing a song he’d already performed this season, but the rest of us don’t care. Everything about this performance was what this season of Idol needed. Lee’s husky vocals were out of this world and added a maturity to the lyrics that just sells the song so well. The white shirt and white lights were also a nice touch. Is it fair that he was backed by a choir? Probably not. Do I care? Definitely not. It’s not like Casey James would’ve sounded any better backed by a bunch of church-going folks shouting Daughters ad nauseum. This was definitely the performance of the night, and it might have been the performance of the whole season. If he doesn’t make the finale, hell hath no fury like a blogger scorned.

Clearly, I think Casey is going home. I hope you do, too. If not, I’d love to hear your reasons why.

Bring on the results show. Speaking of which, is it hot in here or is that just my Bieber Fever acting up???  Kidding. I never said all the jokes were good.

Season Nine's Final Three

Here we go again. Tonight’s Idol hour will include two of the show’s alumni, a bunch of old dudes from Jersey and surely lots of mindless filler. Let’s get to it!

Fantasia is performing first. Watch out, Crystal. It’s the OG single mother Idol. Hmm…I believe those eyes belong to Fantasia, though I’m not entirely sure. There’s quite the situation going on with her bangs. And wowza, check out those leather (or pleather!) pants. Fantasia can definitely sing. I found her voice rather kitten-like during her time on the show, but she has really grown on me since. She also seems like a nice person, which helps.

Time two tease the top four with a montage of hometown visits from the past.

There’s Carrie. There’s Jordin. There are nuggets 1.0 and 2.0. There’s Glambert. ‘Tasia and Clay, too. You know where I’m going with this. Where the hell is the Kelly Clarkson footage? No respect, I tell ya. (In other news, KC was recently named the most successful Idol by Billboard. Apparently that means nothing around these parts.)

After a brief chat with the top four about seeing their respective homes, Ryan strolls out the families and plants them onstage. Eek! They really want this to be a drama-filled episode. I’m really uncomfortable seeing all the families up there together. I fear some familial fisticuffs later. Lynche’s lady looks like she could do some damage, that’s all I’m sayin’.

Then, both abruptly and horrifyingly, Ryan tells Casey that he’s made it into the top three. Three seconds later, my eyeballs nearly leapt from their sockets. What is this show coming to? What is American taste in music coming to? First, no Clarkson footage during the sappy wappy montage, and now Casey is safe. I’m not ok with any of this.

Now, Daughtry is performing. You might remember him. He was voted off in classic “Idol shocking elimination” fashion. And it was when there were four contestants artists contestants left. Are we in for another shocking elimination? I just got a scary vision of Lee leaving, and I don’t like the way I’m instinctively reacting to the news. It cannot be so. Michael Lynche and the over-celebrating wife have to be gone, right? Rant over.

Daughtry sounded great, by the way. The song was a little boring (for me, for you), but he has a cool voice. It’s Nickelback-safe without sucking as badly as Nickelback.

Back to the results. Ryan talks about each contestant’s artist’s contestant’s performance, then say’s Michael’s name. This is immediately followed by a nine months pregnant pause, Crystal grabbing Lee’s arm (so tender!) and my heart falling to my butt. Ryan tells Michael to sit tight. Rejoice!!! Then, he tells Lee that he’s made it into the top three! I’ve never been so happy with my lack of That’s so Raven talents. Woohoo!

Bon Jovi’s performance is next, and Grandpa Jovi looks good for his age. Time hasn’t been quite as kind to Sambora, though. He looks way too much like Marla Hooch. A lot of night games for that one.

Not sure I’m feeling this song, either. I can grab a Coors Light (against my better judgment), throw a fist in the air and belt “Livin’ on a Prayer” with the best of ‘em, but this isn’t my favorite. I’m sure a large portion of the mullet population loved it, though.

It’s down to Michael and Crystal. Crystal is resting her head on Big Mike’s shoulder. (Also tender!) Ryan tells Crystal she’s safe, which means Michael is headed home (not for the hometown visit, just home) to be with his baby mama and baby.

It’s clear Michael is less-than-thrilled with the news, but he does deliver a terrific vocal performance on his way out. The judges all hug him and seem at least pseudo interested in his future. I can’t believe we are getting this much of a goodbye. I don’t really know how to deal with this new Idol that ends on time.

Two weeks left!

Big Mike Says Goodbye