Preface: This ish is long today. But the damn show lasted three and a half hours, so live it…

Another year of music is in the books, and so it is time to celebrate all that was good – but mostly all that was popular – in 2009.

GaGa and Elton John open the show with a duet that was conceived in the most fabulous of heavens. Gaga looks thrilled to have her piano ass-to-ass with Elton’s. And who wouldn’t be. I also love this itty bitty onesie GaGa is wearing. Oh dear, is that a fallopian tube I see?

Beyonce wins song of the year for “Single Ladies”…as I predicted she would. I’m one for one so far.

Green Day performs “21 Guns” with the cast of the upcoming Broadway musical, American Idiot. Lots of fist pumping going on. I’m also happy to report that angst seems to have replaced sublime happiness as the emotion of choice on the Broadway stage.

Taylor Swift wins Best Country Album and proceeds to fail at trying to make people think she’s still surprised to be winning awards.

“I’m standing here accepting an impossible dream.”

Cute, but you knew you would win. Let’s keep it really real.

Beyonce is marching out with a bunch of burly security guards. Yes, Jay-Z definitely just checked out her ass. It must be nice to scope her out and think, “I get to tap that fine ass at home.” You the man, Hova.

Anyhow, Beyonce is doing a little mash-up of “If I Were a Boy” and Alanis’s “You Oughta Know.” This is an interesting juxtaposition. One of the weaker songs on Beyonce’s Sasha Fierce album, coupled with one of my favorite songs…ever. Ever, ever! I still scream this song at the top of my lungs when I hear it. So good. Anyway, Beyonce sounds and looks fine here, if not a little lot wind-blown. She’s always good. She’s also always kind of annoying. Today is no different.

Next is my girl, P!NK. Along with the Shelly, Pink is one of the most talented and underrated singers in the industry today. This performance is un-freaking-believable. The bitch is hanging from cloth – Cirque du Soleil style -  and singing LIVE! Since I worship at the Church of Kelly Clarkson, allow me to quote from her Gospel. Last night, she tweeted:

@kelly_clarkson: It’s official….the age of lip-sync is over. If P!nk can sing live, upside down, spinning/flying through the air then there are no excuses.

I couldn’t agree more, Shelly. And I’m looking at you Britney. And Rihanna. And Ashlee Simpson. P!NK’s performance is embedded at the end of this post. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself the favor and watch it. It’s beautiful.

Zac Brown Band wins Best New Artist. Great for them, but better for me! I’m now two for two in general field predictions. Zac Brown’s beard is an inspiration.

Oh God. What are these paper robots doing onstage with the Black Eyed Peas? They really need a new schtick. And how ironic that their album is called The E.N.D.: Energy Never Dies, because the energy definitely died a painful death during that performance. Complete with panting. Lots of it.

Luckily, Lady Antebellum is up next and they are not out of breath. This is the band with the guy whose brother is married to Katherine Heigl. I love this song and I love this band. See, country music isn’t so bad!

Stephen Colbert wins Best Comedy Album and Kathy Griffin makes a hilarious losing face. I would’ve been happy with either of them winning, but I can say that I’ve had enough of Stephen Colbert’s daughter. Nothing against the girl, but damn. They’ve cut to her as much as GaGa and all her getups.

Kings of Leon wins Record of the Year for “Use Somebody.” I love this song, but I didn’t predict them winning. Damn. Three for four now.

After a truly lame opera spoof, T-Pain and Jamie Foxx give a performance that should be re-named “Lessons in Auto Tune.” Yuk.

Justin Bieber and the hoiest hoe of them all remind us that we have more time to pick a song for Bon Jovi to sing. But I have a more important question: why?

Justin Bieber makes a hilarious gaffe by confusing Bon Jovi with…Beyonce? He should’ve spent a little less time uploading his videos to YouTube and a little more time finishing up Chapter 1 of Hooked on Phonics. No child left behind, right Georgey? Well, you missed one!

Green Day wins Best Rock Album. Poor Dave Matthews. : (

Zac Brown is performing and reminding everyone – especially Keri the hooch Hilson – why they won Best New Artist. What a nice treat it is to see real musicianship.

Taylor Swift is performing with her Idol, Stevie Nicks. I wish I had better things to say about this performance. I love Swifty Swift but I love in-tune performances more. And this aint one of those. What a shame…

Now it’s time for the painstakingly promoted Michael Jackson tribute – in 3D! The nearest Target to me is a pain in the arse to get to, so I am sans 3D-glasses. Apparently my punishment is viewing this performance as if I’ve just rubbed my eyes for 45 minutes.

Smokey Robinson has had way too much work and thus can emote not at all these days. Luckily he’s onstage with Celine, J-Hud, Usher and Carrie Underwood, all of whom are literally doubled over as they try to upstage one another. Carrie looks pretty. That’s all I have to say about that. The tribute is good. It’s not Avatar, but it’s good.

Then MJ’s kiddies come on stage to melt my stone, cold heart. Super precious.

After a lot of unnecessary build up, finally Bon Jovi performs….for a very long time. And that vote to see what song they would perform is a crock of poo. Did anyone actually think they would sing something other than “Livin’ on a Prayer”? Oh there’s Jennifer Nettles. Twangity twang twang. I love it, though.

Jay-Z, Rihanna and Taylor Swift’s BFF win Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, which reminds me of the hilarious and specific titles given to Grammy categories. I hope to one day win best spoken word interpretation of an Olive Garden menu.

Rihanna and Jay-Z bring a small child with them, and Rihanna looks way too cozy as the mama in this equation. Watch out Ri Ri, Beyonce will eff you up worse than Chris Brown ever could.

Wyclef reminds us all he’s from Haiti and then David Foster accompanies Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige as they cover “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” Really good. In all seriousness, if you haven’t given yet, skip your coffee one morning and show a little love to the Haitians.

Next up is the Dave Matthews Band and so comes five minutes of college reminiscing. Oh a little dance. And a crazy face! Oh, Dave Matthews.

Beyonce wins Best Female Pop Vocal Performance for “Halo” and I have literally no comment.

What the hell is on Katy Perry’s forehead? Slumdog Millionaire was last year, dumbass.

Maxwell performs next, which means he spends a few minutes churning sweet, sweet butter for the viewing public. This is baby-makin’ music for the new generation. (As if our generation needs an excuse to get in there and do the damn thing.)

Next is a Les Paul tribute with the incredible Jeff Beck and an unknown singer that looks like a mixture of this and this.

The final performance of the night features Lil Wayne, Travis Barker, Eminem and Jimmy from Degrassi Drake. This is predictably awesome. I just wish I heard more of it. Since every other word is f*ck or some body part descriptor, there are a lot of pregnant pauses. Still great, though.

Well it only took three and a half hours to get to Album of the Year. That’s horrific not so bad! Taylor Swift wins for Fearless, as I predicted, bringing my final tally to three for four. Not bad.

I love me some Taylor Swift, but I expected a lot more from the winner of Album of the Year. Maybe if she gains a little weight she will be able to support her voice better. She is rail thin, after all.

I’m annoyed that both of GaGa’s wins were relegated to the pre-show, robbing us of a wacky and great acceptance speech.

All in all a very predictable evening. Me so tired, and my cozy bed is callin’ my name… Peace out!

I hope you enjoyed Dave’s favorite albums. And I hope you enjoyed Googling them because you’d never heard of them. Now it’s time to talk about the songs on the big bad radio! I’m such a sheep. Bah with me, won’t you?

Here’s a look at tonight’s four biggest categories and my thoughts on who I think should - and who I think will - win each one. Let’s see how right, or wrong, I am…

Record of the Year

Halo – Beyoncé

I Gotta Feeling – The Black Eyed Peas

Use Somebody – Kings Of Leon

Poker Face – Lady Gaga

You Belong With Me – Taylor Swift

SHOULD & WILL WIN: Poker Face – Lady Gaga

I don’t know how voters will be able to deny the year’s biggest hit. If the night turns into a Taylor Swift parade, Swifty could certainly roll to victory here, but I’m stickin’ to my guns and predicting Gaga. I just hope Beyonce doesn’t win for the song that sounds like, but is less awesome than, this song.

Album of the Year

I Am… Sasha Fierce – Beyoncé

The E.N.D. – The Black Eyed Peas

The Fame – Lady Gaga

Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King – Dave Matthews Band

Fearless – Taylor Swift

SHOULD WIN: The Fame – Lady Gaga; WILL WIN: Fearless – Taylor Swift

I think The Fame is the best album of the year. But I don’t think the Grammy voters will agree with me. I think they’ll play it safe and go with T. Swifty and her love stories instead of the Gaga and her love of disco sticks. I hope I’m wrong. Dave Matthews would be my third choice here, but I think a lady will take it. It’s been all about the chicas this year.

Song of the Year

Poker Face – Lady Gaga & RedOne, songwriters (Lady Gaga)

Pretty Wings – Hod David & Musze, songwriters (Maxwell)

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) – Thaddis Harrell, Beyoncé Knowles, Terius Nash & Christopher Stewart, songwriters (Beyoncé)

Use Somebody – Caleb Followill, Jared Followill, Matthew Followill & Nathan Followill, songwriters (Kings Of Leon)

You Belong With Me – Liz Rose & Taylor Swift, songwriters (Taylor Swift)

SHOULD WIN: Use Somebody - Kings Of Leon; WILL WIN: Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)- Beyoncé

Beyonce has to win one of these big ones. I just can’t imagine them sending her home with only genre Grammys (i.e. Best Contemporary R&B Album), and this seems like an easy place to reward her for a song – and video – that became a major pop culture moment in 2009.

Best New Artist

Zac Brown Band

Keri Hilson

MGMT

Silversun Pickups

The Ting Tings

SHOULD WIN: The Ting Tings; WILL WIN: Zac Brown Band

This is a major toughie. Lady GaGa was royally screwed over by a technicality, and thus missed out on a nomination here. I love me some Ting Tings, but I don’t think they have much of a shot. I think it’s between Keri Hilson and the Zac Brown Band. I am not a Keri Hilson fan. In fact, I think she’s highly overrated. I’ll knock her ass down. I think the old school country vibe of the Zac Brown Band is likely to appeal more to Grammy voters. I hope so anyway.

The Grammy Awards will air LIVE on CBS tonight at 8PM (EST). During the three hour-long program, you can expect to see about 10-12 actual awards handed out. (You’ll have to tune into the pre-telecast to see the rest most of the awards. Click here to watch.) The majority of the live show’s three hours will consist of performances, tributes, more tributes and a tribute in 3D. Did you get your 3D glasses from Target?

In preparation for tonight’s festivities, I’m publishing a two-part Grammy preview. Later in the day, I’ll post my official predictions for the Top 4 categories (Album, Record & Song of the Year, Best New Artist), but first is my very favorite thing: a Top 11 list! It’s been too long, right?

Something a little different this time, though. Instead of another list conceived by yours truly, I thought I’d give you a different perspective. I asked my friend (and The Lamp Post’s resident web developer) Dave Casagrande to share a list of his favorite albums of the year. Since Dave runs his own indie record label, I figured a music list would be in capable hands with him.

A warning to frequent readers of The Lamp Post: This is not a Michael J. Lamp list. Regrettably, Dave doesn’t ooze Top 40 in the same way I do. So put on your hipster hat, broaden your horizons a bit and enjoy Dave’s list of his favorite 11 albums of the year. (At least he adhered to my rule of 11!)

Air Waves
EP
Catbird Records

One of my personal favorites from Brooklyn. Great little beachy pop songs with a Neil Young vibe. Just fantastic!

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Animal Collective
Merriweather Post Pavilion
Domino

What can I say about this record that hasn’t already been said. Simply, otherworldy.

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The Avett Brothers
I And Love And You
Columbia

I’ve only ever been a casual listener to The Avett Brothers, but I And Love And You changed all that. The production from Rick Rubin is incredible and the songs (with the exception of “Kickdrum Heart” & “Slight Figure Of Speech”) shape the record so perfectly.

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Bat For Lashes
Two Suns
Astralwerks

Completely blew me away… the voice, the arrangements, the power. I still get chills when I listen to “Daniel” or “Siren Song.”

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Crocodiles
Summer Of Hate
Fat Possum

Jesus And Mary Chain bites aside this album is fuzz-filled bliss. I can listen to this start to finish every time I come back to it AND it has one of my favorite singles of the year, “I Wanna Kill.”

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Dirty Projectors
Bitte Orca
Domino

Probably one of the best albums of the decade. Who knows what I’ll think in a year though.

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The Fox Hunt
The Fox Hunt
BigHouse Records

Is it so wrong to have an album you put out yourself on your year-end Top 11 list? I think not. Especially when the band is a good as The Fox Hunt.

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Kanye West
808’s & Heartbreak
Roc-A-Fella

Kanye didn’t make it easy to love him this year, but I think 808’s & Heartbreak will stand the test of time as of the most personal hip-hop pop albums of all time.

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Wild Beasts
Two Dancers
Domino

This album took a few listens, but I really love these dudes voices and they write such catchy songs.

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The xx
XX
Young Turks/XL

English youngsters make an amazing album of dark, sexy pop that transcends their age. WOW, what a debut!

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Yeah Yeah Yeah’s
It’s Blitz
Interscope

I listened to this album more than any other new record in 2009.

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Disclaimer: This blog post is written in the active tense. No, I didn’t lose my mind. I don’t always think I’m at the computer typing. I wrote this post, literally, while I was watching the show. I learned something about myself whilst reading back what you are about to read. Something that I bet is not unlike most of you. I say “like” a whole lot. Way too much. The beauty of blog posts is that, like, I can remove all those before, like, you read them.

Here we go. Grammy Noms 09, sucka.

Well, “I’ve Gotta Feeling” is playing during the introduction. I bet that’ll be nominated for something. Ok, this is already weird and annoying. They are showing a bunch of artists and splicing their music together. But they aren’t saying what these folks are nominated for. Are these the nominees? Are these the only nominees? This is weird. I want answers.

LL Cool J tells us how you get a grammy. Ok. This feels like Mr. Rogers when we would tour a gum factory or vaccum cleaner assembly line.

Now the Black Eyed Peas are here to sing the song we already heard once. This is just great. Shots of women with way too much plastic surgery. Kids of women with way too much plastic surgery. And their fathers, the guys that donated a lot of money to the recording industry.

I like the Peas and I love “I Gotta Feeling” but this isn’t a spectacular performance.  I get down with the dance jams, really I do. I boom boom pow. I meet halfway. I do it all. But this wasn’t all that.

Um, Will.I.Am. is telling us how we can get our faces on the Grammys? Doing our rendition of your song, Will.I.Am.? I guess that means that song we just heard is nominated. Weird once again. So cryptic.

Song of the Year. They are telling us it’s the year of the ladies. And here’s a video montage to prove it. Uh huh, all the usual suspects: Beyonce, Gaga, Taylor, SHELLY! SHELLY!, Keri Hilson, Pink. Wow, they really effed this song of the year presentation up terribly. We’ve got him giving us one name and showing an album cover of someone else. Yikes. Flash backs to anchoring the middle school morning television show. Don’t get the wrong idea. I delivered the daily weather report and other happenings around South Middle School mellifluously. I was on my game. Technical difficulties, however. They were a plenty. I mean, I can’t hold the camera and tell you it’s partly cloudy at the same time. I’m only one dude.

I’m wondering if this is George Lopez effing up or if someone in the booth is effing up. Maybe both. Probably both.

Nick Jonas is singing. He has a new project. Err, an Administration. He’s one of those people that sings as if every note is at the tip top of their range, and sometimes maybe even out of their rage. Like maybe they shouldn’t be singing that note.

Sugarland is the shiz, fo sho. Jennifer Nettles has a great voice. Twangy like woah, but still great.

This has been on for a half hour and they’ve announced two categories. We’ve gotten Song of the Year, and Pop Vocal Performance by A Duo or Group. Grammy categories use extremely specific vocabulary. But only two categories so far? This is not a nomination announcement. This is a not-that-great concert.

It’s 9:37 and we are finally getting the third category announcement. It’s Best Rock Album. I like most of these groups, but this feels like soft rock. Really soft. Like a down pillow. Now they are talking about Rap. Now it’s baby Rap. There’s Jimmy from Degrassi Drake.

Nomination update. It’s 9:43 and we know the nominees in four categories. Either this will be the shortest Grammys in history, or – as I suspected – this is all just one big, and kind of bad, concert.

LL’s back from commercial to tell us about…another commercial. Boo. I have always hated that awards shows do that. The “we’re back to say we’ll be right back.” Don’t waste my time, fools. Oh if you are in the NY area you are lucky enough to be seeing a Mohegan Sun commercial that is truly atrocious. Wasn’t there a TV musical set in a Vegas casino that failed miserably?

Country category…this makes 5, kids. Five categories revealed and there are 11 minutes left. Yawn.

Ringo Starr and Smokey Robinson are here to massage each other…’s egos. And now they are going to announce two categories. Ok, this is (slighty, only slightly) better.

So for Record of the Year, apparently they are going to play the wrong songs as they announce each nominee. Oh there, they’ve fixed it. But Smokey Robinson makes an old dead let it die joke about Kanye.

So I guess we won’t find out about any other big categories? Instead the Black Eyed Peas are performing…again. The same song. We’ve now heard some version of this song three times in this hour. Someone definitely gave someone else sexual favors to make that kind of monster promo happen. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Click HERE to read the full list of nominees. Beyonce got a (somewhat ridiculous) 10 nominations. Overall, it was a pretty predictable list of the same names over and over again.

There was a (very) bright spot on the nominee list, though, which can be found in the “Best Pop Vocal Album” category once you’ve clicked that little link. There you will find a one Shelly Sharkson nominated for “All I Ever Wanted.” There is justice in this world. Now I have to watch Glee. I’m sort of ODing tonight. It feels so good.