…if I didn’t talk a little more about Mr. Woods. Tiger, that is.

Last month, I reported that Tiger Woods was involved in a teeny, tiny vehicular accident that may have sprung from sticking his five iron in the sand trap of a woman that is, um, not his wife. And yes, we are going to call that blog post reporting.

During the last 10 days or so, a lot more dirt has surfaced surrounding golf’s biggest star. I’m sure some of Tiger’s biggest competitors, like Mr. Man Boobs, haven’t been this happy in ages. I can’t even keep track of all the hussies this guy has allegedly bagged, but the number continues to climb.  And when SNL spoofs yo ass, it’s clear the situation has hit a fever pitch.

Though a whole host of hoes have emerged as Tiger’s temptresses, it’s the affair with Rachel Uchitel that is the most intriguing. In Touch has released a couple of e-mail messages that were supposedly sent FROM the Tigs to Madame Uchitel. Check ‘em out:

“I know it’s brutal on you that you can’t be with me all the time. I get it. It f***ing kills me, too. I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next to me, lay on me or where ever you want to lay. F***. Why didn’t we find each other years ago. We wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

AND!!

“I thought I was getting to know you, but it feels like I’m just another person who happens to be famous. Every time I think about it, I get a lump in my throat. Some of the other parts of your past really get to me. I don’t know what person I was falling for so hard. The one I got to know on the phone, e-mail, text and in person. Or the one who likes famous people. I am so confused, because what my brain is saying and what my heart is saying are two different things. Is it the Rachel I know or the character? That’s what’s hard. It guts me to think I’ve fallen for the wrong one.”

WOW! That is yum-tastically salacious! I’ve heard that this Uchitel chica is a bit of a celeb whore (remember when I reported that?), but yikes. Assuming these e-mails really are from him, we can glean quite a bit more about Tiger from reading them. (And since everything else has proven true thus far, my guess is that these are real, real, real.)

So class, let’s review:

• He likes to say the F word. (it is fun to say)
• He likes connections.
• He does not like ‘home.’
• He needs a witness. (preach, son)
• He likes laying. A lot.
• He just happens to be famous.
• He likes to talk on the phone, e-mail, text and talk in person.
• He doesn’t like being liked for being famous. (wah, wah)
• He’s so confused.
• His brain and his heart are at war. (what a hipster)
• He may have fallen for the wrong one. (oh shit!)

Move over Chuck Bass. Tiger Woods has more issues than you, Blair and every Gossip Girl writer combined could ever dream up!

I’ll be sure to report on this story as it continues to unfold. We’ve already seen the toll this ordeal has taken on Tiger’s mother-in-law. Any guesses as to what comes next? I’m hoping for sleazy sexts or slutty cell phone pictures featuring Rachel wearing Tiger’s green jacket – wearing only the green jacket. Yes, I mean this green jacket.

These kinds of stories are why I get out of bed each morning.

Unless you’ve been living in a cave the past three days, you’ve undoubtedly heard about Tiger Woods’ little “accident” during the wee hours of the post-Thanksgiving morn. When the story first broke, all we knew was that Tiger was pulling out of his driveway in Florida when he ran into a fire hydrant – and then a tree. Driver’s Ed is looking pretty good right about now, eh Tiger?

My first hunch? Damn, how drunk was he? My second hunch? Tiger must have thrown a mighty fit after losing the battle for the wishbone, hitting the road in a fit of anger. Hey, it’s not that far-fetched. He’s a pretty competitive guy. Now that the dust has settled and Tiger has finally spoken about the incident (after multiple delayed meetings with Police), one speculation is running particularly wild.

I should mention that Tiger has claimed full responsibility for the “embarrassing” situation, which is just too damn easy. He’s also asked for privacy. Nah, I’d rather pry.

It seems most folks have settled on one rather salacious theory. For the sake of journalistic integrity, I’ll preface what I am about to say with the caveat that it is pure speculation. But for the sake of my sassy reputation, I’ll follow that up by saying that I hope this is true, because nothing grinds my gears like a good celeb scandal. Especially a celebrity with such an unscathed record up to this point. Well, except for the fact that he fires his caddies when they get too popular.

It seems Miz Woods has been none too happy hearing about Tiger’s alleged affair with Rachel Uchitel. This is the same Rachel Uchitel that is linked to Bones star David Boreanaz and his extra-marital exploits. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not interested in Angel’s sloppy seconds unless her name rhymes with Farrah Trishelle Skellar.

Anywho, the moral fiber of America, aka The National Enquirer & TMZ, are both suggesting that Tiger’s wife went all Liza Minnelli on his ass, scratching him up real good and then chasing after him (golf club in hand).  The image of a woman scorned chasing after a professional golfer with his own clubs is both ironic and incredible.

If you believe The Woods Family, you can read Tiger’s full statement here, courtesy of Reuters. If you’re like me, though, and prefer the version that plays out more like an episode of General Hospital than Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, stay tuned…I’m sure all will be revealed eventually. I can’t wait.

In the meantime, here’s a shot of the picture perfect Woods clan. They seemed so happy. (Yeah, right.)