I’m not happy. Let’s just get right to it.

That Clash of the Titans opening was something. I’m not sure what, but it was definitely expensive.

I sometimes forget what a good voice Ruben Studdard has. And he is really trimming down. Get ‘em, Rubbs! Here comes Big Mike for some size comparisons. Always classy, Ryan. In my world, Reuben and Mike are bffs in real life.

Ruben tells us that he and ol’ Clay will be touring together soon. Ryan then makes an off-color comment about the Claymates being excited. Good for you, Ruben, for reminding him that you, too, have fans. They may be less in number, and way less in crazy, but they exist!

Kung Fu Fighting Ford music video. What do you want me to say? You saw it. You know it was stupid.

If Andrew’s mother is featured a couple more times this season, she can probably submit herself for a supporting actress Emmy. They really love her. I hope Andrew keeps it together a little longer, because she’s the best parental storyline of the season. That, and Katie’s boozehound father.

Time for results. Lee is safe and then anointed a major contender by Simon. Holler. Casey is safe. Whatever. My prediction of him in the bottom three was mostly wishful thinking.

Ryan and Simon get into a fight that sort of seems like a real fight, but I just assume they are always acting. There is plenty of the usual sexuality questioning going on. This time Ry-Guy gets extra sassy. “Not True! Not True!” Bleh. I couldn’t be more over it.

Aaron Kelly is safe, which leaves Siobhan-bhan and Katie. Ugh.

Siobhan-bhan gives one of the most amazing Idol speeches ever. So many of this year’s contestants can barely string enough words together to form a real sentence, so It’s extra special to see Siobhan-bhan represent herself so well. The tears were an excellent touch. Well played. You are my favorite for a reason.

Katie is in the bottom three. Phew. I’m kind of relieved. I do think Katie has been better than the bottom three lately, though. The little girls are voting for Tim Urban instead of her. They want to be her, but they want to be with him and that always wins.

Usher is performing with Will.i.am. The song is fairly coma-inducing but Usher is just such a good dancer. Will.i.am, on the other hand, is completely unnecessary in this song, much the same way he is unnecessary in most songs.

Didi is in the bottom three. While I predicted that one, I didn’t want it to happen. Sigh.

Michael Lynche gets tricked and then he’s safe. He picks Ryan up and nearly throws him over his shoulder. You can tell it really pisses Ryan off. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard at dainty Ryan getting completely flustered by nearly being hurled into the audience. You just know he stomped backstage at the commercial and demanded to never be touched by a contestant again.

Crystal is safe. Andrew and Tim are left. Please, God, let Tim be in the bottom three. I can’t handle much more of this. Phew. Andrew is safe, and Tim is in the bottom three.

Katie is sent back to the couches – again, which leaves Didi and Andrew. Ack! Don’t take Didi from us! She’s too beautiful to leave. And she’s literally worlds better than Tim. I have a really ugly feeling about this.

Diddy Dirty Money (huh?) is performing now. How is anyone supposed to remember you, Sean/Puff Daddy/Diddy/Diddy Dirty Money, if you keep changing your name, especially when the names keep getting more and more ridiculous?

Let me just say that I think Diddy is an incredible businessman. The problem is that I don’t think he’s a very talented rapper/singer. I mean, you didn’t really like that performance, did you? What he lacks in true artistry, he more than makes up for in shady smarts. He handled the interview with Ryan perfectly. He showed love to the crap-testants, went to each judge and bro-hugged or kissed each of them. He even thanked the whole Idol crew and …AMERICA! You’re welcome, Diddy Dirty Money. You’re welcome.

Let’s not sugarcoat this thing. Didi has the lowest number of votes.

I can’t believe this. Tim, I’ve never wanted to wipe that smile off your face more. Actually, I have. First, Alex Lambert, now Didi. Who’s your next victim, evil Tim? It’s little Katie, isn’t it? We might as well just give him that stupid microphone trophy now and save us all the heartache. Wahhhh.

Did’s singing Rhiannon and I’m shaking like a leaf. The judges are smiling (rude!) and doing a terrible job at pretending to pay attention. I take back what I said earlier, they are terrible actors. They are also not using the save. Of course not. They’ll wait until the top five or six and use it on someone undeserving.

This season is just getting worse and worse. I fully expect a Casey/Tim/Aaron top three, filled with smiling and standing in one place while you sing. This sucks.

…and hosting American Idol is maybe perhaps most definitely the one he should give up. He was really on his bonkers game tonight. From offensive imitations of black people to pushing contestants to talk about awkward, personal stories, Ryan was all over the place tonight. You’re not on the red carpet here, dude. Take a chill pill.

The weirdest thing about tonight’s episode was all the strange, behind-the-scenes footage they insisted upon showing. Personally, I would’ve rather they just make the show a half hour shorter. I’m getting sort of tired of these Idol feature films every Tuesday.

The judges are making out with each other. Gross. Ryan is the fifth wheel. Funny.

Usher is here to help the kiddies. I actually love me some Usher. He’s definitely a man slut, and a big one at that, but I still dig him. At least he doesn’t beat up on people.

Time for the ‘singers’…

Siobhan Magnus, “Through the Fire”: Usher is really taken by Siobhan-bhan. He loves her voice. Me, too, Usher. Uh oh. (pause) (pause) (longer pause) (sad pause) (super sad pause). What is she doing? Noooooo! Siobhan-bhan, this is not good. This is out of tune and generally unpleasant. Oh and now the screams at the end. This song doesn’t even really make sense with screams at the end. Oh no. The judges all agree this was Siobhan-bhan’s worst effort to date. I (big gulp) agree (ugh) with Kara on this one, though. Siobhan has done enough to earn her an off week. That being said, you just used your off week, Siobhan. Don’t let it happen again.

Casey James, “Hold On, I’m Coming”: You look better tonight, Casey, but you’re still boring. I guess I’m never going to find him interesting if I don’t already. At least Ellen seems to share my belief that he has got to do something a little more. He’s a great guitar player, but this isn’t Guitar Idol, it’s American Idol. Lest we forget, friends, that this is a singing competition first and foremost. Casey isn’t the best singer. He gets mostly favorable reviews from the judges, though. Meh.

Michael Lynche, “Ready For Love”: This is more my cup of tea. I am slowly becoming a huge Michael Lynche fan. He’s so consistently good – and consistently forgotten about. Tonight, he’s singing some India Arie. Michael gets bonus points for always making surprising and smart song choices. He’s been gifted some amazing lighting for tonight’s performance, and he’s singing on the catwalk thingy behind the judges. We usually don’t see anyone on that thing until results nights when the kids lip synch even closer to the cameras and interact like total strangers with the judges. Michael’s voice sounds like butta yet again, and all the judges are giving him his proper due – thank goodness!

Didi Benami, “What Becomes of a Broken Heart”: The tears are back! After rehearsing her song with Usher, Didi immediately bursts into tears. Usher is handling her nicely. Man, this dude is smooth. Didi looks totally ready for him. You know what I mean. Didi sounds ok to me, but she doesn’t sound great. She also looks like an Oscar®. Can she even wiggle her legs in that dress? The judges are beating up on her, as per usual, but Ryan is the real villain here. It’s quite clear that Didi does not wish to discuss why this song makes her so emotional, but Ryan simply will not get off her ass about it. Next, I expect him to ask Didi who she is wearing, who she is sleeping with and then toss things over to Giuliana Rancic with George Clooney. Oh wait…

Tim Urban, “Sweet Love”: Alex Lambert, I still miss you. This should’ve been you. What a sham this season is becoming, due in large part to the many botched eliminations during the semi-final rounds. Lily, where art thou? You too, skankily-dressed Katelyn. At least you could sing. God, this sounds awful. This is the kind of music you would expect to hear in the walk-in clinic while you’re waiting for test results. And no, that’s not a good thing. The judges all tell him he’s awful, which he is, but Simon says it won’t matter and he’ll be back next week. I wish he hadn’t said that. And I really hope he’s wrong.

Andrew Garcia, “Forever”: My patience (and yours) has been growing thin with Andrew during the last month. Tonight’s performance didn’t move mountains, but it was a huge leap in the right direction. Andrew definitely needs that guitar. We’ve seen how easily he can lose any sense of rhythm when he has only a mic stand in front of him. This is a great song, but I have a conflicted relationship with it. On one hand, it reminds me of goofy white people at weddings and on the other it reminds me of Rihanna getting punched in the face. Luckily, Andrew has completely re-interpreted the song. His voice also sounds much better tonight than it has pretty much any other week. The judges are all pleased (mostly relieved) that Andrew is getting his groove back, and Simon gives Andrew’s mother a kiss.

They could’ve shaved about three minutes off each person’s segment and given us a much-needed early dismissal. Ahem.

Katie Stevens, “Chain of Fools”: Katie is a pop singer. No, she’s an R&B singer. No wait, she’s a country singer. Poor Katie. No one is ever going to figure out where to put her. She is certainly having a better go of it on this big stage than she did in the semi-finals. She’s still pitchy in parts, but if you listen to one of her studio recordings, it’s hard not to be impressed by her talent. Simon seems like the only judge that still needs convincing, and he’s determined to make Katie a country singer. I agree with Simon in the respect that country fans are super loyal and are among the only consumers still buying albums, but I’m just not sure Katie’s voice makes much sense doing the country thing.

Lee Dewyze, “Treat Her Like a Lady”: Lee is the bomb dot com. That’s right, I said that. His voice is far and away the most distinct among the guys. I also like the way he seems so genuinely overwhelmed and excited about this whole thing. When he says he wants to sing every day for the rest of his life, I believe him. The judges finally give Lee some unanimous love. Simon even tells him that he may look back on this as the night that changed his life. Wowza. We have to remember that Simon speaks in headlines, mostly so that we can all regurgitate his words later. That’s still pretty awesome, though. Lee is totally over the moon about the judges’ compliments and that’s pretty darn sweet. He is giving Aaron Kelly are run for his ‘aw, shucks’ money.

Crystal Bowersox, “Midnight Train to Georgia”: Crystal is so great. It’s almost not worth mentioning anymore, and I’m starting to sound like a broken record. She also gets exponentially more likeable week after week. I get the sense she is enjoying herself more, too. She’s playing the piano tonight, but only for the beginning of the song. Crystal definitely seems less comfortable sans guitar, but she still sounds so, so good. The original Idol herself, the one Simon compared Crystal to a few weeks back, took notice this week. The source of all that is good with American Idol, Shelly Sharkson, tweeted: “Crystal Bowersox you are my favorite!! Keep it up!!” The judges all give Crystal high marks, but Simon warns her against changing herself too much. I think Simon wants her in a pair of overalls next week.

Aaron Kelly, “Aint No Sunshine”: Aaron’s performance begins while Ryan is still talking to Simon. Ryan, get out of the way so Simon can pretend to pay attention. I don’t think Aaron should have chosen this song after Kris Allen just owned it last year. Aaron’s version pales in comparison. And the ‘no no no’ part he worked on with Usher did not work out on the live show. Aaron still has a great voice, and he performed last. He’s not going anywhere.

Ew. I definitely thought Ryan was going to kiss Aaron on the cheek when he leaned in to whisper to him. Which reminds me, why does he keep whispering to the contestants? You are wearing a microphone, weirdo.

Time for some predictions. I’m worried about Siobhan-bhan, for sure, because she sang first and sang pretty shittily. I can’t imagine she’s in any real danger, though. Not after all the great weeks she’s had. Tell me I’m right, please. I’m going with Tim, Didi and Casey in the bottom three, with Tim going home. Agree? Disagree? Think I’m a jackass?