Allow me to quote the immortal words of Kenneth Parcel:

“There are only two things I love in this world: everybody and cable.”

That’s right. And the Olympics bring these two favorites together, all on the networks of NBC.

It’s time for another Olympic update, as my addiction to all things gold, silver and bronze is reaching a fever pitch. Here’s a quick look at some of my favorite moments of the last week…

Men’s Figure Skating

The ladies have a lot to live up to this week after the show these drama queens put on during the men’s competition. As most everyone knows by now, Evan Lysacek and his zootopia of costumes now have a Gold medal. In other news, he’s apparently dating fellow US Gold medalist, Nastia Liukin. Didn’t see that one coming.

Russian Yevgeny Plushenko took Silver, and then proceeded to diva out like whoa, whining about the sport becoming about dancing rather than skating. Wah Wah. What would Brian Boitano do?

Bode! Bode! Bode!

I’m a pretty huge Bode Miller fan, so I was pissed and disappointed when he decided to trade in his skis for jager bombs at the last Winter Olympics in Torino. Luckily, since then Bode has calmed down, had a baby and regained his momentum on the hill. Thus far (he has two events remaining), Bode has one gold, one silver and one bronze – the complete set!

Vonn-derful

Lindsey Vonn made headlines before the first medal was handed out in Vancouver. Thanks in part to an injury that threatened to sideline her from the games altogether. The hoopla was mostly thanks to this Sports Illustrated cover, though. Where’s the lightning that follows those thunderous thighs? Yowza.

All things considered, Vonn has been fairly amazing in Vancouver, earning one gold and one bronze. She was headed for a third medal, too, until she decided to roll her ass right on down the mountain during the women’s super combined event. Her teammate, Julia Mancuso, has also managed two apline medals in Vancouver – both silver. And is it just me or do these two chicks seem to not like each other. Like at all.

Oh No!

Apollo Anton Ohno has already won a couple of medals in Vancouver, making him the most decorated US Olympian ever. That’s great and all, but let me know when you win a GOLD in Vancouver. The Japanese and Koreans are still whooping up on him. They are angry because he looks like them but doesn’t play for them. Go USA! Steal the best talent all in the name of a better life. That’s the American way!

Snowboarders Just Look Cool

Since adding snowboarding events to the lineup, the Winter Olympics have certainly benefited from a necessary injection of ‘cool.’ I particularly enjoyed the gigantic screen over the half-pipe, which featured shots of each boarder before he or she dropped in. The mixture of ‘eff this’ facial expressions and washed or possibly not washed hair was completely perfect.

To the surprise of no one (except maybe the Canadians), the Americans dominated the half pipe events, winning four out of a possible six medals. Shaun White was insanely ridiculous (and Golden yet again), landing some crazy McTwist thing. I don’t know, it was just awesome. American Scott Lago earned a bronze medal. On the ladies side, an Aussie took the top spot, with Americans Hannah Teter (hehe) and Kelly Clark (seriously, that’s her name!) coming in second and third, respectively.

Fellow American Seth Wescott successfully defended his Gold in snowboard cross, while the choke artist known as Lindsey Jacob Ellis failed to make it to the podium. She, much like her hair, is proving to be rather worthless.

USA Hockey Defeats Canada, Canadian Use of Xanax Skyrockets

Continuing America’s domination, our men’s hockey team downed Canada last night 5-3. Since hockey in Canada is like fast food in America, I have a feeling aboot 95% of the country experienced night terrors featuring loud Americans screaming “GOAL! GOAL! GOAL” endlessly.

So that’s a quick look at some of the American highlights of the past week. Next up is the conclusion of the crazy ice dancing competition followed by ladies figure skating. There’s plenty more skiing, speed skating and hockey left to be played as well. Join me in attempting but failing to contain your excitement, all the while dreading the Closing Ceremonies as it is sure to cue sudden and deep sadness.

In the meantime, enjoy this photo of me and my newest – Olympic inspired – cardigan. And do take note of the new look designer E. Losh has given to the site in honor of these Winter Games. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Every couple of years, the Olympics come around to capture our hearts and dominate our airwaves for a fortnight. It’s almost impossible not to get caught up in the excitement of it all. The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and all that syrupy shit.

I really am a huge Olympic nerd, though. I love making up words to other country’s national anthems and watching vignette after vignette about each athlete’s personal sacrifice and struggle. It is my dream to have a similar vignette of my life air on national, network TV. I picture the beginning with me lacing up a pair of shoes…

Thanks to the Beijing Olympics, we’ve learned that’s it’s entirely possible to make fun of Olympians (phew), even if they are representing a nation. Isn’t that right clearly underage Chinese gymnastics team and mega-bong ripper, Michael Phelps? That’s right!

We’ve already had plenty of water cooler moments in these Vancouver Winter Games. The opening ceremonies were as over-the-top crazy as ever, complete with a high-flying Huck Finn and a spoken word artist. How trendy!

Plenty of Canadian pop stars were in the house, as well. K.D. Lang’s Constant Craving appears to be over, Nelly Furtado still looks promiscuous and  Sarah McLachlan has taken a break from making America super uncomfortable helping the puppies and is getting back to singin’ a bit. Adia, I do believe she’s failed you. (Unless Adia is a homeless Labrador with three legs.)

I would reserve for myself the hottest corner of Hell if I didn’t mention the truly tragic luge accident, which resulted in the death of Georgian luger, Nodar Kumaritashvil. The photos and video (which I won’t publish here) are hard to stomach.

The International Olympic Committee amended the track prior to the start of competition (Kumaritashvil’s accident occurred during practice) to make it safer for the athletes. Still, I was a little disturbed by the report released a couple days after the accident, which basically blamed the athlete for his own death. That seems a little stinky to me.

I get that there’s probably a large variance in the degree of skill among many of the athletes, but the friggen track itself should at least assure the survival of everyone. So yeah, that’s just messed up. And the footage of his Dad? Ugh, rip out my heart, puh-lease.

Despite the fact that Kumaritashvil’s death is certainly looming over all things at these Olympics, there have been some terrific bright spots thus far:

• After a couple of Koreans knocked each other over, Apolo Anton Ohno won a speed skating silver medal to tie Bonnie Blair as the most decorated US Winter Olympian in history. I wonder if this ranks as high with him as his Dancing With the Stars championship? Fellow American J.R Celski claimed bronze after overcoming a major injury (vignette, vignette!) to make it to Vancouver. Celski’s parents happen to be effing adorable.

• Hannah Kearney hopped her way down the mogul-filled mountain to win Team USA’s first gold of these games. “O, Canada” can wait. Kearney’s pink-haired teammate, Shannon Bahrke, won bronze. There was a lot of jumping and pink hair flipping at the bottom of the mountain.

• Canada finally won a gold on home soil when Alexandre Bilodeau captured the gold in men’s moguls. American Bryon Wilson (so funny, right?) won the bronze. Since it’s only a bronze, we won’t spend too much time on ol’ Bryon. Kidding. Not really, that was even too much right there.

• Courtesy of Johnny Spillane, Team USA won its first medal – ever – in the nordic combined event, which is a combination of ski jumping and cross-country skiing. Another American, Todd Lodwick, placed fourth. Of course. Fourth place so often feels like our place, isn’t that right pairs figure skaters? Uh huh.

Anyhow, there’s a quick update for ya. I’m both obviously and pathetically obsessed. Check out this fancy medal tracker below and refer back to this post for real time medal count updates. I’m gonna go listen to the National Anthem now…